Playing The Xylophone

19 07 2009

I was engaged to an anorexic back in the early 90s and the most common question I got from friends was, “What in the hell do you find attractive about that body type?”

The only answer I had was, “She looked fucking spectacular in designer clothes!”

However tit-fucking her was like playing The Tragically Hip’s Little Bones on the Xylophone.

Tit Fucking Madman

Tit Fucking Madman


One Small Step For Goldfish….

17 07 2009

In honour of the the 40th anniversary of Man (allegedly) walking on the moon I give you a look at what your pet goldfish are doing.

Justin Timberlake

14 07 2009

Los Angeles California- AP– With the circus around the death of Michael Jackson’s timely death waning, attention has turned to how the space in tabloids will be filled, now that the  King of Pop is now gone

London’s Daily Mirror has published  photos of Justin Timberlake along with questions relating to his apparent plastic surgeries and noticeable changes in skin tone.

Justin Timberlake’s publicist Ken Sunshine vehemently denied the Daily Mirror report, “ It is absolutely ludicrous to suggest Mr. Timberlake is anything but proud of his Anglo-American heritage, or that he has ever had surgery to alter his appearance!”

Reports that Timberlake is in negotiations to buy Michael Jackson’s mummified remains or was named as Bubbles the Monkey’s legal guardian in Jacksons will could not be confirmed at this time.

Black or White

Our Retarded World: “Top Complaints of Expectant Mothers”

29 04 2009

In honour of Mother’s Day I surveyed 10 random pregnant women I met at the mall. Of those that did not call for security, here are the top  answers.

Morning Sickness


“When I used to wake up vomiting it was because of a 2-6 of vodka and jagermeister  that I drank, and although it was painful there was at least a beautiful one night affair with some guy who seamed more like a catch at the time…. come to think of it , that is how I got in this mess in the first place.”

My Ass is Bigger and My Bladder is Smaller

Pregnant jen

“I am the youngest of 3 kids and my only experience with pregnancy was on primetime sit-coms, where everyone got pregnant in late August and had there babies during May sweeps. Every pregnant woman had a sweet baby bump placed on top of ridiculously skinny legs and shapely bum and spent most of their pregnancy being the punch line to cravings jokes. I still misjudge the size of my ass when trying to get through doors and spend most of my time in the washroom peeing”

Everyone has an opinion what the name should be

This is an apple-


This is an Apple-


This is not an Apple-


I used to smoke to be a rebel, but now it is just called child abuse

Neo Natal Nicoderm

I Did Not Even Have an Orgasm!

Give Them A Day and They’ll Want Another Frakking Hour

29 03 2009

On April 22nd 1970, the 100th anniversary of Vladimir Lenin, Senator Gaylord Nelson gave us the first Earth Day. It was robustly celebrated by thousands of schools by millions of people, but was promptly forgotten in a haze of polyester suits, drowned out by disco music and buried under a mountain of cocaine for the next 30 years.

Not satisfied with failing to do anything of consequence with the hole in the Ozone, modern activists hopped on pre-millennial tension bandwagon and started preaching end of the world scenarios, like any descent f ear mongering cult leader.

Still it was a hard idea to sell to a generation with MTV styled attention spans, a taste for disposable electronics, and stupid enough to buy bottled tap water.

There was a meeting at the Earth Day head quarters and it went something like this;

“Bob, it’s getting harder to convince people that packing thousands of people into rallies, which generate thousands of tonnes of garbage-that is recycled ( and by recycled I mean  it is sorted and sent to a local centre compressed, piled in a warehouse then eventually sent to an unknown landfill in Omaha Nebraska at twice the charge), and that buying a crappy hemp  t-shirt with a trite slogan, at an inflated cost , is some how good for the environment..

“ No doubt about that Doug. We need something that will make shallow consumers with short attention spans and $500 designer jeans, feel better about themselves while tying it to a product we can buy stocks in.”

“I got it! Lets shorten it to an Earth Hour. We get everyone to turn their lights off for and hour then tell them to go buy compact fluorescent light bulbs.”

So on Saturday March 28 at 8:30 pm an estimated 1000 000 000 people will  turn off all power in there houses for an hour, in a glorious effort effort to feel better about themselves without doing anything of consequence for the environment.

Some notes and thoughts about Earth Hour

  • “That was so fun… I can’t wait to do it next year” … a comment on a video unintentionally promoting the uselessness of this exercise
  • Power usage in Calgary went up during that hour last year…. God I love Red necks
  • The first wave of CFL light bulbs are finishing their life expectancy this year and landfill are expecting a rise in mercury contamination…. expect mutant seagulls to attack humans in the coming years
  • Any environmental movements that do not address the single greatest cause  global warming (Over population) are just hippy-do-goodery masturbation. The only thing that will really solve global warming are global environmental disasters that will reduce the population to a sustainable number…lets say 2.5 billion.
  • Organizers will actually achieve their  estimated number of participant this year…. if they include nearly foreclosed middle class households that had there power disconnected due to unpaid bills

The Watchmen

28 03 2009


The most male frontal nudity I have seen since any Ron Jeremy flick.

Nation’s Homeless Report Half Smoked Cigarette Butt Shortage

26 02 2009

CP- Vancouver– Ask Martin Gerard about his day and he will surely tear a strip off you. Is he a mutual funds manager? A laid off construction worker? A fortune 500 exec whose golden handshake was only in the low six figures? No he is a homeless man that has been on the streets of Vancouver for 17 years.

Sure you are thinking, “Oh he is just coming off the smack and all those bugs under his skin are making him irritable!” but no Martin has been clean and sober for 73 days. Today he is simply coming off the nicotine.

Martin Gerard- Homeless Butt Smoker

Says Martin, ” In the 17 years I have been picking butts out of public ashtrays and off the sidewalks, I have never seen it this bad. Sure it was rough during the anti smoking wave of the early 1990’s, but that eventually led many offices forcing their smokers out to the streets below. It was harvest time. Then the last decade the eco-nuts had everyone freaked out about the filters (that take 500 years to degrade) making their way into the water ways- but that was just bluster, because I promise you, in this city once a cigarette butt hits the ground you have have at least 5 people willing to kill for it!”

Martin is not alone in this, as we talk 5 other people mumble in agreement in the alley just off West Pender.

“The last six months have been horrible, not only are more people being forced to quit out of necessity, but those that can still afford to smoke are smoking the damn things until the bitter end, leaving nothing for us to smoke but the the filters. There is some resin in the filters but I am certain the burning fibre glass is not good for my asthma.”

The Conservative Heath minister, Leona Aglukkaq, was un available for comment.