Dagwood’s Closet

He has spent the better part of 75 years pretending that time has never passed.  His kids walk all over him and his wife now wears the pants in the family. He hates his job and he cant get out of bed in the morning. Herb,his neighbor, takes advantage of him without fear of repercussion. The only part of his life he looks forward to is when the mailman comes on his days off. Why? Because Dagwood has a secret. Blondie tells herself lies; His Kids do not care; Herb is being paid; The Mailman……..well….. ask the old lady across the street. She watches everyday through the curtains with her high powered, night vision binoculars.

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Young Turtles F@%king

Over on Kelowna’s Westside, turtles have been fighting a losing the battle with suburban encroachment on their natural habit for decades. No matter how carefully they timed it, they were simply unable to cross the road fast enough to eat or to mate, so the city erected this sign to caution drivers.

I sat there for a couple hours one morning hoping to see “The Crossing of the Turtles”, but nothing. Then someone told me I should go by in the evening, as this is when turtles are most active, but still nothing. I did some research and learned that turtles cross the road in the evening to eat, but are able to sense human presence, so they will stealthily avoid human contact. They also cross the road in mass in May, when they are propelled by ancient urges to mate, and then there is no consideration for personal safety and any sense of discretion is thrown out the window.

I was unwilling to wait 9 months to see the most magical natural event, so I laid a trap on the opposite side of the road  baited with their favourite food (according to wiki-pedia), and set up an automatic camera- complete with motion and infrared sensors. It was a Canon 1200 that had an Internet satellite uplink that would email me when censors were triggered and photos taken, then I went back to my life in Kelowna on the other side of the lake.

I checked my email every hour  on the hour for a couple of days, then everyday for a week, but nothing. I got caught up in life and soon forgot about the turtles. Finally on Saturday August 4th 2007 at 9:14 PM,  I received an email telling me the Camera had been activated and I drove, like a tweaking crack head to his dealer’s, to get this photo.

It answers the question turtle scientists have been asking for generations:

Q:Why did the Turtle cross the road?

A:For Pizza of course!

The other time turtles cross the road is in May-  to fuck like, well…  turtles, so on the other side of the road the city had another warning sign. I set up the camera to catch the horny, but slow buggers, in action. On May 8th 2008 I captured this photo.

This particular love making session actually lasted for a week and a half.

Mating season lasts for a month and the soft but earnest mating call of the Okanogan Turtle (” Hey Baby you want to play Race The Hare?”) can be heard every night.

It would appear their inability to cross the road speedily and their bad pick up lines, impede their ability to propagate as a species.