Our Retarded World: “Top Complaints of Expectant Mothers”

In honour of Mother’s Day I surveyed 10 random pregnant women I met at the mall. Of those that did not call for security, here are the top  answers.

Morning Sickness

“When I used to wake up vomiting it was because of a 2-6 of vodka and jagermeister  that I drank, and although it was painful there was at least a beautiful one night affair with some guy who seamed more like a catch at the time…. come to think of it , that is how I got in this mess in the first place.”

My Ass is Bigger and My Bladder is Smaller

“I am the youngest of 3 kids and my only experience with pregnancy was on primetime sit-coms, where everyone got pregnant in late August and had there babies during May sweeps. Every pregnant woman had a sweet baby bump placed on top of ridiculously skinny legs and shapely bum and spent most of their pregnancy being the punch line to cravings jokes. I still misjudge the size of my ass when trying to get through doors and spend most of my time in the washroom peeing”

Everyone has an opinion what the name should be

This is an apple-

This is an Apple-

This is not an Apple-

I used to smoke to be a rebel, but now it is just called child abuse

I Did Not Even Have an Orgasm!

Our Retarded World: “Who Are You Hiding From Today?”

In an attempt to better understand our retarded world, I will do a regular column where I  go out to the curious corners of our society and ask a question that will give us a better understanding of how it is all going to Hell!

100 people at the Kelowna Drop-In centre were asked “Who Are You Hiding From Today?” The data has been studied and the result have been compiled and here are some sample answers.

23%- Unbalanced Exs

Jason Hogdkiss- 44- “I went out with this woman for coffee, once in 1998. She smelled of gasoline and tequila. There was some empty chit chat, that involved favourite movies and music, and then suddenly she asked me, “ So do you want to have kids?”. I found this kind of forward for an afternoon coffee date, so I excused myself saying “I had to get my chest waxed.”

“The next thing I knew- I woke up in a back alley and I am pretty sure my sperm had been harvested. 9 months later I was served with child support papers. I have been off the grid ever since then.”

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15%- The Department of Immigration

David Smith-25- “You can’t make me go back to Iraq. I don’t care if we do have a black President now!”

45%- That guy who talks to you at Starbuck’s

Chelsea McDermott- 21- “I worked at Starbuck’s for 6 months and this middle aged guy came in every day and ordered a Grande dark roast. I would smile and take his money, but he took that as a signal to touch my hand as I reached for the money. One morning he showed up outside my apartment when I was on my way to work and he asked, “So do you like Star Wars Collectible’s?”

“I now am an exotic dancer at the Cheetah’s. At leastwhen the creepy old men make physical contact , they get taken out to the back alley by Freddy and Gino.”

11%- The Mailman

Sheryl Osterman-56- “Junk mail aint really junk, it is marked with invisible radioactive dye to track people that are a threat to the illuminati…. Do you have an extra smoke?”

4%- David Suzuki

Wayne Foster- 32- “I was living on Salt Spring Island raising herds of baby seals because I had invented an car engine that runs on Baby Seal Blubber, when this Asian guy came over and threatened to bitch-slap me. I assume it was David Suzuki but all Asians really look the same to me. I suppose it could have been that old guy from The Karate Kid, but that doesn’t make sense.”

2%- Wile E. Coyote

Cindy Taylor-37- “ Meeb Beep!!!! Thppppppppt!”

5 Ways To Win the Heart of Your Secret Crush…That Aren’t a Serial Killer Poker Game

It is Valentines Day and a significant portion to the population will spend it alone, but everyone loves someone- only sometimes it is a Secret Crush.

Whether it is fear, geography or restraining orders- some people just can not approach the objects of their desire. Now is the time to be proactive and make your own romantic luck.

5. Give instead take- Give her flowers instead of taking telephotos from the 8^th floor of the high rise across the street

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4. Go that extra mile -If your crush is an unattainable Rock Star, instead of just flashing your tits at a rock concert, try breaking into the Betty Ford Clinic the next time he is there and flashing your boobs from the foot of his bed as he wakes….oh yeah, smuggle some heroin or cocaine in your rectum, it can’t hurt!

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3. Discretion-If your crush is in a sensitive position of power- Like office supervisors, Democratic Presidents, Hockey Coaches or Junior High English Teachers- Grande romantic gestures will have an undesired effect. There is no need to profess your love to the entire world, when you can convey all you need, from under the desk after hours.

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2. Make Yourself Noticeable- A woman cannot fall in love with some one hidden in the shadows.

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1. Be Creative-If your secret crush is Dakota Fanning after the movie Hounddog… what the hell, why not try Killing The President of the USA…. That is a plan so damn ingenious, it has to work eventually.

Happy Valentines Day