Nation’s Homeless Report Half Smoked Cigarette Butt Shortage

CP- Vancouver- Ask Martin Gerard about his day and he will surely tear a strip off you. Is he a mutual funds manager? A laid off construction worker? A fortune 500 exec whose golden handshake was only in the low six figures? No he is a homeless man that has been on the streets of Vancouver for 17 years.

Sure you are thinking, “Oh he is just coming off the smack and all those bugs under his skin are making him irritable!” but no Martin has been clean and sober for 73 days. Today he is simply coming off the nicotine.

Martin Gerard- Homeless Butt Smoker

Says Martin, ” In the 17 years I have been picking butts out of public ashtrays and off the sidewalks, I have never seen it this bad. Sure it was rough during the anti smoking wave of the early 1990′s, but that eventually led many offices forcing their smokers out to the streets below. It was harvest time. Then the last decade the eco-nuts had everyone freaked out about the filters (that take 500 years to degrade) making their way into the water ways- but that was just bluster, because I promise you, in this city once a cigarette butt hits the ground you have have at least 5 people willing to kill for it!”

Martin is not alone in this, as we talk 5 other people mumble in agreement in the alley just off West Pender.

“The last six months have been horrible, not only are more people being forced to quit out of necessity, but those that can still afford to smoke are smoking the damn things until the bitter end, leaving nothing for us to smoke but the the filters. There is some resin in the filters but I am certain the burning fibre glass is not good for my asthma.”

The Conservative Heath minister, Leona Aglukkaq, was un available for comment.

Our Retarded World: “What Are You Using the Library for Today?”

100 people were surveyed at the downtown library this morning.

“What Are We Using the Library for Today?”

Our Retarded World: “Who Are You Hiding From Today?”

In an attempt to better understand our retarded world, I will do a regular column where I  go out to the curious corners of our society and ask a question that will give us a better understanding of how it is all going to Hell!

100 people at the Kelowna Drop-In centre were asked “Who Are You Hiding From Today?” The data has been studied and the result have been compiled and here are some sample answers.

23%- Unbalanced Exs

Jason Hogdkiss- 44- “I went out with this woman for coffee, once in 1998. She smelled of gasoline and tequila. There was some empty chit chat, that involved favourite movies and music, and then suddenly she asked me, “ So do you want to have kids?”. I found this kind of forward for an afternoon coffee date, so I excused myself saying “I had to get my chest waxed.”

“The next thing I knew- I woke up in a back alley and I am pretty sure my sperm had been harvested. 9 months later I was served with child support papers. I have been off the grid ever since then.”

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15%- The Department of Immigration

David Smith-25- “You can’t make me go back to Iraq. I don’t care if we do have a black President now!”

45%- That guy who talks to you at Starbuck’s

Chelsea McDermott- 21- “I worked at Starbuck’s for 6 months and this middle aged guy came in every day and ordered a Grande dark roast. I would smile and take his money, but he took that as a signal to touch my hand as I reached for the money. One morning he showed up outside my apartment when I was on my way to work and he asked, “So do you like Star Wars Collectible’s?”

“I now am an exotic dancer at the Cheetah’s. At leastwhen the creepy old men make physical contact , they get taken out to the back alley by Freddy and Gino.”

11%- The Mailman

Sheryl Osterman-56- “Junk mail aint really junk, it is marked with invisible radioactive dye to track people that are a threat to the illuminati…. Do you have an extra smoke?”

4%- David Suzuki

Wayne Foster- 32- “I was living on Salt Spring Island raising herds of baby seals because I had invented an car engine that runs on Baby Seal Blubber, when this Asian guy came over and threatened to bitch-slap me. I assume it was David Suzuki but all Asians really look the same to me. I suppose it could have been that old guy from The Karate Kid, but that doesn’t make sense.”

2%- Wile E. Coyote

Cindy Taylor-37- “ Meeb Beep!!!! Thppppppppt!”

Dancing

Hope is a 4 Letter Word

This is in the window of the Salvation army in Kelowna. The kid freaks me out

The only thing this kid has is Gas. She needs Pepto Bismol as much as hope.

Smells Like Blue Bubble Gum Soda

This little display was on the counter of the Minut Market where I buy my cigars in Kelowna.

If only, when he was jonesing for a fix, he had reached for a Blue Bubble Gum Jones Soda instead of a needle and a shotgun. I hope you burn in hell Courtney Love.

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